Ugh

Life is grand, and yet... I feel like crying, and have resumed contemplating various ways in which one can kill oneself. Not a pleasant thing to contemplate, I understand, but I've been doing so all the same. To avoid thinking about such things, I've been resorting to getting lost in the world of fiction, but it's beginning to cease to help. I think I'm simply getting bored with life, at the age of 18. I keep having urges to go for walks, on my own, in the middle of the night. And not just around the house, but a good couple of miles. Walks that could easily get me killed. And the only thing stopping me from going on these walks is simple exhaustion, and not wanting to put forth the effort.

Job Issues

Okay, so I recently got a job working at a local camp, in the kitchen. The first week or so was really fun, but now I'm back to hating my life and wanting to die. My boss and her daughter, both of whom work in the kitchen as well, are hypocrites. The one thing I seriously can't stand in life is a hypocrite, and so the fact that I'm working for one is rubbing me the wrong way. If my boss's daughter does something, and I were to do the EXACT SAME THING, guess who would get in trouble? Not her. And then she gets bitchy, too. I was trying to help her today, and she looked at me and told me, rather snottily, to stop. She just pisses me off, because she'll point out something I forgot to do that she just doesn't do, like clean out the screens after her shift. I forgot ONCE and was reminded to make sure that I do it. I've found crap in the screens TONS of times when I start my shift! It's just seriously getting on my nerves! And I like the job just enough that I don't want to say anything about it, since it's the boss's daughter and I'd probably get myself fired or something like that... I think I just need to scream, or cry, or something... But I don't really know...

Torn Apart

I want to scream. Like nothing else, I just want to lose control of myself and scream, cry, kick, bite, swear, WHATEVER. But, NO. I can't. Why? Because everyone would be disappointed in me, and heaven forbid that I let someone down. I do what's expected of me, and I feel a little piece of me die inside, almost every time. I know, I shouldn't be trying to make everyone happy all the time, but I fell bad if I don't at least try. The disappointment of the others is awful when I don't do what they want me to. And now I'm stuck feeling shattered on the inside, because I'm doing so many things I'd really rather not do. None of it's bad for me, unless it's been proven that hairspray causes some sort of disease, but I still don't want to do it. And I'm sick of doing what everyone wants, just because I don't like their disappointment. It's tearing me apart from the inside, and I'm afraid that it won't stay inside for much longer...

Honestly

One of my friends thinks that I might be so depressed and sad because of how little I sleep. Honestly, I'm getting tired of everyone who knows about my false mood worrying about me. Wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things. I'm willing to bet that most people don't get to do a lot of things that they want to. Honestly, why can't they just believe me about what I say? If I make a promise, I'm going to stick to it. Or at least let someone know when I change my mind. Why doesn't anyone trust me? Is my word really that unreliable? If I can't be trusted, maybe I should just end it all. Because without my word and honor, there really isn't much reason to live. Okay, I'm beginning to sound like a Samurai or something, not being able to live once my honor has been questioned. I just want people to trust me. I'm generally a pretty honest person, unless I know I'm going to get into deep shit for telling the truth. But that's never anything much bigger than what time I actually went to bed. Nothing major. *sigh* I guess I deserve people worrying about me though, don't I? Sure, it shows they care and all, but... Do suicidal people lie? About killing themselves, I mean. Either way, I won't lie (at least, not here): I've thought about it, many times. Ways to do it, when to do it, who it'd be hurting... And that's generally where my thoughts end, since I really don't like hurting people. I figure, if you know you know and I might as well be honest with you, since my honesty won't hurt anyone except me. And if you don't know, then I'm not going to shatter your wonderful little perception of me. There's no point in telling you, too, because then you'd be hurt, or wouldn't trust me, and I'm sick of not being trusted. It hurts, not being trusted when I've done nothing to earn it, pretty much. If I'm not going to be trusted, I've got no reason to be honest.

Drama

So, I'm in this play. It's my first time acting, and I'm pretty sure I'd be having a blast, if it weren't for the director. She's pretty much either watching us silently, or telling us, in a not so encouraging way, that we suck and need to seriously get it together. I know she's telling us the truth, but couldn;t she at least be a little nicer about it? She never tells us that we're doing a good job. Period. It kind of wears on the self confidence after a while, and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I should have told the teacher that sure, I'd be director. I can at least compliment people once in a while. I don't think any of us really LIKE the director, but at least all of us actors get along with each other. Our play would REALLY suck if we didn't. Though there's this one guy that I can't stand, since he's a bit self-centered and doesn't really do what he's supposed to half of the time. He's my partner for being the historian, and the past few days I've asked him to take some pictures, for the scrapbook at the end. Guess what he's been doing. Hanging back stage, not taking pictures like I asked. And I have to be backstage, since I can't really slip out into the theater, take pictures, and then get back backstage in time to go back on. I think tomorrow I'll take some pictures of us backstage. That could be fun to put in the scrapbook. So... Yeah.

I ended up laying in my bed feeling miserable this afternoon. Eventually fell asleep to escape it, which I guess helped a little, but not tons like I'd hoped it would. I was crying at one point, for no other reason than that I needed to release some emotion, and crying was a good way to do so without drawing the attention of the others in the house. So... Yeah.

Thinking

I've been doing some thinking, which is pretty much never overly good for my mental well-being. For once though, I don't think it's been too detrimental. Actually, it's not so much that I've been thinking, it's that I've been getting lost in my thoughts. I think that writing, not like this but actual fiction-writing, might be helping me to not get so depressed. It's not really IMPROVING my mood, but it's keeping me out of the dumps. Probably because it's keeping me from serious hard-core thinking, actually... Oh well, whatever works. I really don't like feeling like shit half the time, and then the other half the time feeling like there's just this empty void inside of me.

Last Day

Not as bad as the title makes it sound. *sigh* One more day to go before Spring Break is over, and I am definitely ready to go back to school. I don't know if I could take another day without seeing people. I think that's part of why I always start feeling so sad and miserable. I spend a lot of time alone, and then I get to thinking, and my mind always ends up contemplating death. Is there maybe some medical reason for why my thoughts always wander back to death and dying? Besides depression, I mean. I already know about that one. I read someplace that getting enough sleep makes you happier, and that sleep-deprived people are more likely to be unhappy. That bit made me go "Oh... Maybe that's why I'm not very happy half the time. I'm a definite Night Owl, and school is during the day. That leaves me a few hours before school starts, and the few hours after school as the times that I prefer to sleep. I mean, today I went to sleep at 9 am and woke up around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. That's my ideal sleep schedule, though I wouldn't mind getting another hour of sleep at the end. I don't mind being nocturnal. Heck, I'm not tired right now and it's 3:30 in the morning! I think I might be part bat or part owl or something, with the hours that I like to keep. I wonder if there's some sort of gene or chemical in the brain that make you more or less likely to want to be awake at night and asleep during the day. My only problem with the night is the silence. It's maddening in my house, since I can literally hear the silence pressing in on my eardrums, when I don't have the ringing in my ears. The ringing is most likely related to Minieres Disease, which my dad has and my mom might have. It affects your balance and stuff, and one of the possible symptoms is ringing in your ears. But back to the silence pressing against my ears. I can have music playing in the background, and it still feels like the silence of the house is crushing my hearing. That is my one complaint against the night. I love the silence and basically everything else about nighttime. The darkness, the solitude, the peace and quiet... It's just the crushing silence against my eardrums. Well, I think I'm going to sign off and go to sleep now, since I need to start getting back to sleeping for school hours. Last day of break and all, you know. Ta for now!