From Feb. 3rd, 2011

Even with everything that everyone is doing for me, I'm still depressed and wanting to die. I'm REALLY hoping that whatever medications Kumar puts me on help, otherwise... Those dark dead-end alleys up in Flint are going to become one of my new favorite haunts. Which will not please any of my Kettering friends one bit. :/ But I'm not making any promises to anyone about after term starts. I'll have to be really careful about how I word those ones... I don't want to be deceptive, but none of them want to deal with that possibility, which has started to become my reality. I don't like it, but I can't help it. Whenever I get time to think, my thoughts swirl quickly into the darkest whirlwind I've had to deal with, and I'm tired of the darkness. If the easiest way to get rid of it is to embrace it, then fine. My arms are open wide and getting wider every day. I'll give my friends a week or two to try and bring me back from the edge of the precipice I've been teetering on, but I'm going to end up losing my balance and falling if they don't pull me back fast enough. There's only so much shit a girl can take, and I've about hit my threshold. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not strong enough to keep going like this for very much longer. Caring about people is only going to get me so far, and that one's running out of gas. I desperately need to find myself another reason to live, because living for other people isn't effective anymore. And I haven't cared about living for myself in at least a year... If I can just get a book published, I'll be perfectly at peace with death. Until that, though, I won't be completely good with dying. Damn it, this sucks... Nobody actually responds to Katherine's posts, other than Jessie... Is she the only one that I really matter to? Because if that's the case, then great. I mean, it sucks that nobody else cares, but if only one person cares then I'm all set. They're only proving my thoughts of worthlessness to be true. And while that's not a very happy thought, I've given up on happy thoughts anyway, so it's not that big a deal. I still can't believe how calm I am about this whole idea of being dead... I guess I've just had too much time to think about it, and I've realized that it's going to happen, and that the when doesn't really matter to me. When I die, I'll be gone forever. The only way I might live on is through my writing. So I need to get that done and published, and I'll be good. :) But I can't get a book published before I go back to school... None of them are anywhere close to being ready for that yet. :( I'm ready to go home now... Am I allowed to leave, pretty pretty please? *sigh* I want someone to realize that I'm still falling, and then to go to the effort to reach out and catch me, pull me back. Matt told me that I needed to uncurl from my little ball, and he doesn't realize that this is me reaching out for help. I don't do it often, and it's hard. I just want to curl back up and keep falling, but... Everyone would be mad at me.