Torn Apart

I want to scream. Like nothing else, I just want to lose control of myself and scream, cry, kick, bite, swear, WHATEVER. But, NO. I can't. Why? Because everyone would be disappointed in me, and heaven forbid that I let someone down. I do what's expected of me, and I feel a little piece of me die inside, almost every time. I know, I shouldn't be trying to make everyone happy all the time, but I fell bad if I don't at least try. The disappointment of the others is awful when I don't do what they want me to. And now I'm stuck feeling shattered on the inside, because I'm doing so many things I'd really rather not do. None of it's bad for me, unless it's been proven that hairspray causes some sort of disease, but I still don't want to do it. And I'm sick of doing what everyone wants, just because I don't like their disappointment. It's tearing me apart from the inside, and I'm afraid that it won't stay inside for much longer...

Honestly

One of my friends thinks that I might be so depressed and sad because of how little I sleep. Honestly, I'm getting tired of everyone who knows about my false mood worrying about me. Wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things. I'm willing to bet that most people don't get to do a lot of things that they want to. Honestly, why can't they just believe me about what I say? If I make a promise, I'm going to stick to it. Or at least let someone know when I change my mind. Why doesn't anyone trust me? Is my word really that unreliable? If I can't be trusted, maybe I should just end it all. Because without my word and honor, there really isn't much reason to live. Okay, I'm beginning to sound like a Samurai or something, not being able to live once my honor has been questioned. I just want people to trust me. I'm generally a pretty honest person, unless I know I'm going to get into deep shit for telling the truth. But that's never anything much bigger than what time I actually went to bed. Nothing major. *sigh* I guess I deserve people worrying about me though, don't I? Sure, it shows they care and all, but... Do suicidal people lie? About killing themselves, I mean. Either way, I won't lie (at least, not here): I've thought about it, many times. Ways to do it, when to do it, who it'd be hurting... And that's generally where my thoughts end, since I really don't like hurting people. I figure, if you know you know and I might as well be honest with you, since my honesty won't hurt anyone except me. And if you don't know, then I'm not going to shatter your wonderful little perception of me. There's no point in telling you, too, because then you'd be hurt, or wouldn't trust me, and I'm sick of not being trusted. It hurts, not being trusted when I've done nothing to earn it, pretty much. If I'm not going to be trusted, I've got no reason to be honest.