Drama

So, I'm in this play. It's my first time acting, and I'm pretty sure I'd be having a blast, if it weren't for the director. She's pretty much either watching us silently, or telling us, in a not so encouraging way, that we suck and need to seriously get it together. I know she's telling us the truth, but couldn;t she at least be a little nicer about it? She never tells us that we're doing a good job. Period. It kind of wears on the self confidence after a while, and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I should have told the teacher that sure, I'd be director. I can at least compliment people once in a while. I don't think any of us really LIKE the director, but at least all of us actors get along with each other. Our play would REALLY suck if we didn't. Though there's this one guy that I can't stand, since he's a bit self-centered and doesn't really do what he's supposed to half of the time. He's my partner for being the historian, and the past few days I've asked him to take some pictures, for the scrapbook at the end. Guess what he's been doing. Hanging back stage, not taking pictures like I asked. And I have to be backstage, since I can't really slip out into the theater, take pictures, and then get back backstage in time to go back on. I think tomorrow I'll take some pictures of us backstage. That could be fun to put in the scrapbook. So... Yeah.

I ended up laying in my bed feeling miserable this afternoon. Eventually fell asleep to escape it, which I guess helped a little, but not tons like I'd hoped it would. I was crying at one point, for no other reason than that I needed to release some emotion, and crying was a good way to do so without drawing the attention of the others in the house. So... Yeah.

Thinking

I've been doing some thinking, which is pretty much never overly good for my mental well-being. For once though, I don't think it's been too detrimental. Actually, it's not so much that I've been thinking, it's that I've been getting lost in my thoughts. I think that writing, not like this but actual fiction-writing, might be helping me to not get so depressed. It's not really IMPROVING my mood, but it's keeping me out of the dumps. Probably because it's keeping me from serious hard-core thinking, actually... Oh well, whatever works. I really don't like feeling like shit half the time, and then the other half the time feeling like there's just this empty void inside of me.

Last Day

Not as bad as the title makes it sound. *sigh* One more day to go before Spring Break is over, and I am definitely ready to go back to school. I don't know if I could take another day without seeing people. I think that's part of why I always start feeling so sad and miserable. I spend a lot of time alone, and then I get to thinking, and my mind always ends up contemplating death. Is there maybe some medical reason for why my thoughts always wander back to death and dying? Besides depression, I mean. I already know about that one. I read someplace that getting enough sleep makes you happier, and that sleep-deprived people are more likely to be unhappy. That bit made me go "Oh... Maybe that's why I'm not very happy half the time. I'm a definite Night Owl, and school is during the day. That leaves me a few hours before school starts, and the few hours after school as the times that I prefer to sleep. I mean, today I went to sleep at 9 am and woke up around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. That's my ideal sleep schedule, though I wouldn't mind getting another hour of sleep at the end. I don't mind being nocturnal. Heck, I'm not tired right now and it's 3:30 in the morning! I think I might be part bat or part owl or something, with the hours that I like to keep. I wonder if there's some sort of gene or chemical in the brain that make you more or less likely to want to be awake at night and asleep during the day. My only problem with the night is the silence. It's maddening in my house, since I can literally hear the silence pressing in on my eardrums, when I don't have the ringing in my ears. The ringing is most likely related to Minieres Disease, which my dad has and my mom might have. It affects your balance and stuff, and one of the possible symptoms is ringing in your ears. But back to the silence pressing against my ears. I can have music playing in the background, and it still feels like the silence of the house is crushing my hearing. That is my one complaint against the night. I love the silence and basically everything else about nighttime. The darkness, the solitude, the peace and quiet... It's just the crushing silence against my eardrums. Well, I think I'm going to sign off and go to sleep now, since I need to start getting back to sleeping for school hours. Last day of break and all, you know. Ta for now!

Good to Bad

Even though I probably had the nest day I'm going to have all of spring break, my mood is back in the toilet. I got together with some classmates today to work on homework (it's a theatre class and we need to get memorized ASAP), and we really didn't get much done in the way of memorizing, but we had a lot of fun. I got home and slept 'cause I was tired, and never actually got around to eating dinner, but whatever. Still not hungry. And now that I'm alone again, with time to think about life and stuff in general, I'm not in a happy mood again. I don't even care if I get in trouble for not being in bed. This whole not-caring thing is starting to... not scare me, per se, but make me stop and think for a moment. I'm trying to look at my feelings and stuff from a detached perspective, see if maybe I am depressed, but it's not working. I don't exactly care. *sigh* And again I'm filled with this overwhelming urge to talk, hence I'm posting about basically nothing. That's my life: basically nothing. *sigh*

Alone But Not

I had to go to the dentist today, and I really hate it. I still feel lonely, even though I know I'm not alone. It's only Monday and already I want the week to be over. AND it's Spring Break. So, I'm going to try and put how I feel into words, so bear with me. Or not, whatever. It's like... All the time, I feel alone. Or that people don't really know me. Sometimes it feels like my heart physically aches. It's like it twinges with sadness or something, and it can get kind of painful. Other days I just feel this overwhelming sense of futility and uselessness. That one generally happens after I've been sitting thinking for a while. I also realized, while thinking about death and suicide a month or two ago, that I could die anytime after 11 or so at night, and my family wouldn't find me until 10 am at the earliest, though it might take them till one. I really don't know why I feel comfortable opening up like this over the internet... Though I guess it's probably the anonymity. I'm not usually comfortable just talking like this to people. And there's not even a guarantee that people are going to read this, though I suppose that I should write this assuming people will read it, since it is a blog, and it is posted on the net. Hey, I have a question for anyone that is still reading this thing at this point. If you ever start feeling down, what do you do get your mood back up? And please, don't tell me drugs. I'm staunchly against doing them myself, though I really don't give a shit about what you do on your free time, if it makes you happy. So long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.

Ugh, I don't really get why I feel like this all the time. Honestly, my life is pretty good. I don't think it's flat out depression, but I'm not really into trying to self-diagnose and all that. If I was, I could probably come up with a billion things that are wrong with me. Everyone's like that, right? About coming up with things that are wrong with you. A person is never good enough to please themself. That's why plastic surgeons have jobs. So if I can't try self-diagnosis, what can I do? My family sees a psychiatrist, due to my sister being in special ed and sometimes we just need counseling. Whenever I go and chat with her, she doesn't see anything wrong other than normal teenage mood swings. If my emotional turmoil is normal, can someone clue me in? If it is normal, then man I can NOT wait until I stop being a teen and this crap is over. Does it really get better once you're older? Because so far, getting older has just made life progressively worse. I wish I could just go back to the days of Kindergarten, when all we had to worry about in school was which color block we wanted to use next, and when naptime was. Because that's all I remember from back then. There wasn't any gossip, since 5 and 6 year olds don't understand the art of spreading rumors yet. You didn't have drama in Kindergarten, or major fights, and you didn't have to worry about who was dating who and what was proper behavior for you. People would just look at you and go "Oh, he/she is five, they don't know better yet" and move on with their lives. And once we get out of high school, we go into college and party and learn, and then it's off to the real world, where we waste away the rest of our lives until it's time for us to retire. Sure, you can improve that middle section of life by doing something that you enjoy, but it's really all the same in the end. We're born, we live a while, and we die, to be buried in the ground and left to rot, or burned to dust and put wherever. Either way, what we've done with our lives doesn't really matter beyond that. Most people's lives are forgotten within a few decades, unless they're someone big, like Hitler or Einstein or some famous writer that kids will be stuck reading in school for the next few eons. Once you stop to think about it, you're nothing more than a little annoying blip on the overall scheme of things, and that's if you're lucky. So yeah. If you could answer my earlier question, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

Finally

Finally, I have a way to just talk, anonymously. That's really all I need, currently. My big problem is that I feel alone, all the time, even when I'm with my friends. At school, I'm someone else. I'm happy at school. And then I get by myself and I start feeling miserable. My life's really not that bad, but I don't see the point in it anymore. I don't see the point in anything. I mean, we're all going to die. What does it matter if it's now, or fifty years from now? *sigh* I've thought about killing myself, but I couldn't find a way that I liked, though climbing out my window and freezing overnight sounded good. Or just stabbing myself. Half the time I just want to go away, disappear forever. I go through bouts of not eating in an effort to disappear, but it always takes too long and I change my mind. Message me at free2beme4evr@gmail.com if you want. All I want is someone to talk to.