BS From 2/10/11

I don't want to be here anymore, and I hate this feeling. Something has to change, whether it be my mental/emotional state, or my physical presence, I NEED a change. I'll wait until after I'm on antidepressants for a little while, and then I'll decide what I want to do. I don't even know what I'd do for a physical change... cut and die my hair, maybe? It sounds like a pretty good plan to me, and maybe go to the effort of keeping my hair straight for a while. Why can't I just be happy the way I am? Why do I need to change something so badly? You know, if that whole changing thing works and I suddenly become happier, then... My freinds are very likely going to start worrying. A LOT. And if they don't, then they probably should anyway... Those are two signs of suicide... Suddenly cheerful, sudden change in appearance, giving things away... I don't know what other ones there are, but those are the ones that I'm aware of, and I'm pretty sure that I'm unknowingly exhibiting some of those, as well as others. *sigh* Part of me wants attention, but the larger part of me just wants to hide in the shadows, vanish into them, and slip away unnoticed. The ones that truly want attention are the ones that really want to live. I think that my dreams of a vanishing act are about more than just disappearing from view... I think I might just go to sleep after going to the psychologist tonight... I could really use some sleep, I'm pretty sure.

I wonder which is worse overall... Actively killing yourself, or going and finding a way to die without having done it yourself. My current plan is to wait until I'm back at school, give it a week or so, and then go for a nice, late-night walk. I'll make sure I'm armed so that I can decide that hey, I do want to live, and fight back if I need to. But I don't really care right now... I think I'd still owe Jessie a hug, and Matt a goodbye... Though I'm not really sure. It's kind of a gray area, since I promised those to them if I were going to kill myself, not if I was planning on getting myself killed... I think I'll have to set up something with them, just in case. I'd feel bad if I just up and disappeared on them, and was later found dead in the middle of Flint. Plus, I don't think that would go over too well... Of course, getting away from John could be tricky... Especially if he suspects what I would be up to after he left. :/ This is the main drawback of having an overly protective boyfriend, I'm tellin' ya. I still don't think that Jessie or Matt would let me go without first doing their damndest to convince me to live first. At least John's honest with me that he won't just let me die. I appreciate the honesty, if not the sentiment. Maybe he has a point about other things though... Like eating... I know that I SHOULD eat, but I still don't want to. Nothing sounds appetizing to me anymore, so I'm pretty sure that this is a mental thing. And I don't really want to talk to a shrink about that, too, because they'd likely just write it off as a regular eating disorder. I know that's what it is, but it's not for the normal reasons. I don't give a shit about the normal reasons.

I wonder if, when I'd gone off to college, how it would be different if I hadn't made a bunch of friends really quickly. Would I be more depressed, less depressed, the same amount depressed, or dead? My friends help, yes, but I feel that I was pushed further into this darkness by their constant presence. Never getting any alone time just does not work for me. So as much as I'm looking forward to going back to school, at the same time, I'm dreading it. I need to find that happy medium of alone time to make me happy, and friend time to make my friends happy. I have a feeling I'm going to lose on this one, just like I did last term. The happy medium for me, between too many people and not enough people, is so unlikely to conincide with the happy meadiums of everyone else for not enough heather and too much heather. I just want to be left alone once in a while. If that means dropping off the face of the planet, then so be it. I know a lovely park I can hide in, as well as a few places around campus. And I still need to get directions so I can walk to that damned cemetary. And... eTwenty minutes later, I have directions to two cemeteries up at school, and I am pleased as pie. I have four hiding places, and three of them aren't even on campus. If I don't want to be found, I won't be. Of course, I might get shot on my way to the cemeteries, but... No biggie, dead is dead and that's the way I want to be. The fact that I want to hang out in cemeteries should probably bother me... :/ But it doesn't. If I'm going to be spending the rest of eternity in one, I might as well get used to them now, right? And ones that don't have people I know are better, because I can just enjoy the tranquility. I like not having people around... I would think about taking my computer to the cemeteries, but something tells me that would be a bad idea, and an even worse one if I got mugged. So maybe just a book and a flashlight. Something to carry the book in so that it doesn't get in my way during a fight would be nice, too. I'll have to come up with something.

It's funny, the emotions that occur when you're contemplating suicide and what's keeping you from it. So far, I've encountered resentment towards the people that I'm living for. That one's not all that fun to deal with, because you care about the people, and yet... They are the ONLY reason you continue to function on a day-to-day basis, or however it is you measure time. I've also found a heaping mound of anger toward myself. People expect me to be angry with them, but they're either not worth being mad at, or I'm not worthy of being mad at them. Most of the time it's the latter, which doesn't help my anger issues towards myself. I'm not good enough or strong enough for anything, and that makes me angry. Other than those two, I've also found disgust, as well as disappointment mixed in. They have both been rather prominent, really. Disgust and disappointment with society and people in general. Disgust and disappointment with myself. Disappointment in my friends, for not seeing how close I am to the edge, or worse, seeing and not doing anything about it. I've also had an air of futility, hopelessness, and general misery hanging over me. I don't see the point of anything, least of all getting up and going through the motions every day. I'm going to die anyway, so why not hurry the process along a little?

One of my friends, who is currently a few states away, has told me more than once that she'll be able to live with my suicide, so long as I give her a hug and say goodbye in person. The "in person" part is what's kept me going a couple of times. There are, in my mind, two levels of desperation, misery, whatever, at which I will decide to kill myself. The first level will be where I decide I can wait until this friend has gotten a hug to kill myself. This point is not as worrisome as the second, because there will be time for me to change my mind, or for friends to finally notice and pull me back. The second level, however, will make it so that I cannot wait to die, and must instead drive to my friend and hug her, say goodbye, and everything else. There will be no time to make me change my mind, and I'm pretty sure that this point will only occur after I've been at the first level for a while. In all honesty, I'm a little frightened when I think that I might actually hit that point. I'm already at the first point, in reality. I wasnt't jerked back from it as hard as everyone thinks. Well okay, one person knows where I'm at, but he's sworn not to tell a soul. I don't know exactly how long he'll keep that promise, but... I'm trusting him to keep it long enough. I'm getting far too good at keeping secrets, and people are going to seriously start worrying about me pretty soon. Or they would, if they knew what kinds of secrets I was keeping. I'm just hoping that I can keep my secrets for a week in which I am given absolutely no privacy other than in the bathroom. If I can't keep them, I won't be going back to school, I'll be going to a mental hospital or something, and be stuck there for however long it takes. I really don't think that would be very good for me, either. I mean come on, I doubt you get much privacy if you're on a suicide watch.