February 5th, 2011

I'm sick of living like this. If someone can help, then I welcome it. But so far, none have been able to help, and it's not for lack of trying on any of their parts, nor mine, in reality... I just want to go home, at this point... And Matt's idea of getting me a job out in NH is great, except that I don't have a car to get myself to and from work. :/ I really need to keep this idea to myself, and not get John's hopes up over it. That would not be a good thing to do, as I really don't want to hurt him. Ugh, I'm getting so tired of listening to everyone's troubles, and providing support to everyone. I just want to break down crying half the time now, and nobody notices. Or if they do notice, they don't say anything about it. If someone would just care enough to talk to me about what's going on, then I might be a little better off. I'm tired of being nice, and yet it's completely against my nature to be anything but. The minute I'm not nice to someone, I feel guilty and try to make things right. It's so hard to be a bitch and not feel bad about it later... I need to hold it together for another four hours... I can do that. Four hours is nothing. ... And yet I want to break down right now, to hell with what everyone thinks about it. I just hope that I can make it home... It gets harder every day, it truly does. Having John for the weekend was bittersweet... Like giving a starving person a sandwich, then watching as the person finishes starving. But I won't make that comparison to Jessie or John, or even Matt. There's only so much that I can reasonably ask him to keep secret for me, and I'm pretty sure that I've already passed that particular threshold. :/

From Feb. 4th, 2011

Music makes me bipolar, I swear. I get some rather interesting effects out of it when I listen to different kinds of music, and I'm not sure that they're all good. Actually, I'm pretty sure that most of the effects aren't. At least I sorted my music between what sorts of things it does to me. Crying at work is absolutely not acceptable, and music can bring that out of me, as much as I hate it. Which, really, just means that I need to be careful what music I'm listening to at work, which was the purpose of sorting all the damn songs in the first place.

From Feb. 3rd, 2011

Even with everything that everyone is doing for me, I'm still depressed and wanting to die. I'm REALLY hoping that whatever medications Kumar puts me on help, otherwise... Those dark dead-end alleys up in Flint are going to become one of my new favorite haunts. Which will not please any of my Kettering friends one bit. :/ But I'm not making any promises to anyone about after term starts. I'll have to be really careful about how I word those ones... I don't want to be deceptive, but none of them want to deal with that possibility, which has started to become my reality. I don't like it, but I can't help it. Whenever I get time to think, my thoughts swirl quickly into the darkest whirlwind I've had to deal with, and I'm tired of the darkness. If the easiest way to get rid of it is to embrace it, then fine. My arms are open wide and getting wider every day. I'll give my friends a week or two to try and bring me back from the edge of the precipice I've been teetering on, but I'm going to end up losing my balance and falling if they don't pull me back fast enough. There's only so much shit a girl can take, and I've about hit my threshold. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not strong enough to keep going like this for very much longer. Caring about people is only going to get me so far, and that one's running out of gas. I desperately need to find myself another reason to live, because living for other people isn't effective anymore. And I haven't cared about living for myself in at least a year... If I can just get a book published, I'll be perfectly at peace with death. Until that, though, I won't be completely good with dying. Damn it, this sucks... Nobody actually responds to Katherine's posts, other than Jessie... Is she the only one that I really matter to? Because if that's the case, then great. I mean, it sucks that nobody else cares, but if only one person cares then I'm all set. They're only proving my thoughts of worthlessness to be true. And while that's not a very happy thought, I've given up on happy thoughts anyway, so it's not that big a deal. I still can't believe how calm I am about this whole idea of being dead... I guess I've just had too much time to think about it, and I've realized that it's going to happen, and that the when doesn't really matter to me. When I die, I'll be gone forever. The only way I might live on is through my writing. So I need to get that done and published, and I'll be good. :) But I can't get a book published before I go back to school... None of them are anywhere close to being ready for that yet. :( I'm ready to go home now... Am I allowed to leave, pretty pretty please? *sigh* I want someone to realize that I'm still falling, and then to go to the effort to reach out and catch me, pull me back. Matt told me that I needed to uncurl from my little ball, and he doesn't realize that this is me reaching out for help. I don't do it often, and it's hard. I just want to curl back up and keep falling, but... Everyone would be mad at me.

Ugh

Life is grand, and yet... I feel like crying, and have resumed contemplating various ways in which one can kill oneself. Not a pleasant thing to contemplate, I understand, but I've been doing so all the same. To avoid thinking about such things, I've been resorting to getting lost in the world of fiction, but it's beginning to cease to help. I think I'm simply getting bored with life, at the age of 18. I keep having urges to go for walks, on my own, in the middle of the night. And not just around the house, but a good couple of miles. Walks that could easily get me killed. And the only thing stopping me from going on these walks is simple exhaustion, and not wanting to put forth the effort.

Job Issues

Okay, so I recently got a job working at a local camp, in the kitchen. The first week or so was really fun, but now I'm back to hating my life and wanting to die. My boss and her daughter, both of whom work in the kitchen as well, are hypocrites. The one thing I seriously can't stand in life is a hypocrite, and so the fact that I'm working for one is rubbing me the wrong way. If my boss's daughter does something, and I were to do the EXACT SAME THING, guess who would get in trouble? Not her. And then she gets bitchy, too. I was trying to help her today, and she looked at me and told me, rather snottily, to stop. She just pisses me off, because she'll point out something I forgot to do that she just doesn't do, like clean out the screens after her shift. I forgot ONCE and was reminded to make sure that I do it. I've found crap in the screens TONS of times when I start my shift! It's just seriously getting on my nerves! And I like the job just enough that I don't want to say anything about it, since it's the boss's daughter and I'd probably get myself fired or something like that... I think I just need to scream, or cry, or something... But I don't really know...

Torn Apart

I want to scream. Like nothing else, I just want to lose control of myself and scream, cry, kick, bite, swear, WHATEVER. But, NO. I can't. Why? Because everyone would be disappointed in me, and heaven forbid that I let someone down. I do what's expected of me, and I feel a little piece of me die inside, almost every time. I know, I shouldn't be trying to make everyone happy all the time, but I fell bad if I don't at least try. The disappointment of the others is awful when I don't do what they want me to. And now I'm stuck feeling shattered on the inside, because I'm doing so many things I'd really rather not do. None of it's bad for me, unless it's been proven that hairspray causes some sort of disease, but I still don't want to do it. And I'm sick of doing what everyone wants, just because I don't like their disappointment. It's tearing me apart from the inside, and I'm afraid that it won't stay inside for much longer...

Honestly

One of my friends thinks that I might be so depressed and sad because of how little I sleep. Honestly, I'm getting tired of everyone who knows about my false mood worrying about me. Wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things. I'm willing to bet that most people don't get to do a lot of things that they want to. Honestly, why can't they just believe me about what I say? If I make a promise, I'm going to stick to it. Or at least let someone know when I change my mind. Why doesn't anyone trust me? Is my word really that unreliable? If I can't be trusted, maybe I should just end it all. Because without my word and honor, there really isn't much reason to live. Okay, I'm beginning to sound like a Samurai or something, not being able to live once my honor has been questioned. I just want people to trust me. I'm generally a pretty honest person, unless I know I'm going to get into deep shit for telling the truth. But that's never anything much bigger than what time I actually went to bed. Nothing major. *sigh* I guess I deserve people worrying about me though, don't I? Sure, it shows they care and all, but... Do suicidal people lie? About killing themselves, I mean. Either way, I won't lie (at least, not here): I've thought about it, many times. Ways to do it, when to do it, who it'd be hurting... And that's generally where my thoughts end, since I really don't like hurting people. I figure, if you know you know and I might as well be honest with you, since my honesty won't hurt anyone except me. And if you don't know, then I'm not going to shatter your wonderful little perception of me. There's no point in telling you, too, because then you'd be hurt, or wouldn't trust me, and I'm sick of not being trusted. It hurts, not being trusted when I've done nothing to earn it, pretty much. If I'm not going to be trusted, I've got no reason to be honest.