Alone But Not

I had to go to the dentist today, and I really hate it. I still feel lonely, even though I know I'm not alone. It's only Monday and already I want the week to be over. AND it's Spring Break. So, I'm going to try and put how I feel into words, so bear with me. Or not, whatever. It's like... All the time, I feel alone. Or that people don't really know me. Sometimes it feels like my heart physically aches. It's like it twinges with sadness or something, and it can get kind of painful. Other days I just feel this overwhelming sense of futility and uselessness. That one generally happens after I've been sitting thinking for a while. I also realized, while thinking about death and suicide a month or two ago, that I could die anytime after 11 or so at night, and my family wouldn't find me until 10 am at the earliest, though it might take them till one. I really don't know why I feel comfortable opening up like this over the internet... Though I guess it's probably the anonymity. I'm not usually comfortable just talking like this to people. And there's not even a guarantee that people are going to read this, though I suppose that I should write this assuming people will read it, since it is a blog, and it is posted on the net. Hey, I have a question for anyone that is still reading this thing at this point. If you ever start feeling down, what do you do get your mood back up? And please, don't tell me drugs. I'm staunchly against doing them myself, though I really don't give a shit about what you do on your free time, if it makes you happy. So long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.

Ugh, I don't really get why I feel like this all the time. Honestly, my life is pretty good. I don't think it's flat out depression, but I'm not really into trying to self-diagnose and all that. If I was, I could probably come up with a billion things that are wrong with me. Everyone's like that, right? About coming up with things that are wrong with you. A person is never good enough to please themself. That's why plastic surgeons have jobs. So if I can't try self-diagnosis, what can I do? My family sees a psychiatrist, due to my sister being in special ed and sometimes we just need counseling. Whenever I go and chat with her, she doesn't see anything wrong other than normal teenage mood swings. If my emotional turmoil is normal, can someone clue me in? If it is normal, then man I can NOT wait until I stop being a teen and this crap is over. Does it really get better once you're older? Because so far, getting older has just made life progressively worse. I wish I could just go back to the days of Kindergarten, when all we had to worry about in school was which color block we wanted to use next, and when naptime was. Because that's all I remember from back then. There wasn't any gossip, since 5 and 6 year olds don't understand the art of spreading rumors yet. You didn't have drama in Kindergarten, or major fights, and you didn't have to worry about who was dating who and what was proper behavior for you. People would just look at you and go "Oh, he/she is five, they don't know better yet" and move on with their lives. And once we get out of high school, we go into college and party and learn, and then it's off to the real world, where we waste away the rest of our lives until it's time for us to retire. Sure, you can improve that middle section of life by doing something that you enjoy, but it's really all the same in the end. We're born, we live a while, and we die, to be buried in the ground and left to rot, or burned to dust and put wherever. Either way, what we've done with our lives doesn't really matter beyond that. Most people's lives are forgotten within a few decades, unless they're someone big, like Hitler or Einstein or some famous writer that kids will be stuck reading in school for the next few eons. Once you stop to think about it, you're nothing more than a little annoying blip on the overall scheme of things, and that's if you're lucky. So yeah. If you could answer my earlier question, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.