BS from 2/11/11

Stress and I don't get along very well. So long as there isn't too much of it, I can manage, but... If there's too much stress, all I want to do is break down into tears. And my stress levels only ever continue climbing. They don't drop, I just adjust and make do the best I can in the situation I'm in. That's all I can really do, which doesn't make me feel any better about it. Even right now, all I really want to do is break down sobbing and screaming, but I can't do that. I can never do that. Not the screaming part, anyway. I can break down sobbing whenever I'm alone. And despite the ridiculous amount of time I spend alone, I still don't get to break down anywhere close to often enough. I don't generally need to break down when I'm alone, which makes it that much harder to blow off steam in one of the only ways that I know how. I'm ready to move on to something new. Whether it be death, or something new in life, doesn't really matter much to me at this point.

BS From 2/10/11

I don't want to be here anymore, and I hate this feeling. Something has to change, whether it be my mental/emotional state, or my physical presence, I NEED a change. I'll wait until after I'm on antidepressants for a little while, and then I'll decide what I want to do. I don't even know what I'd do for a physical change... cut and die my hair, maybe? It sounds like a pretty good plan to me, and maybe go to the effort of keeping my hair straight for a while. Why can't I just be happy the way I am? Why do I need to change something so badly? You know, if that whole changing thing works and I suddenly become happier, then... My freinds are very likely going to start worrying. A LOT. And if they don't, then they probably should anyway... Those are two signs of suicide... Suddenly cheerful, sudden change in appearance, giving things away... I don't know what other ones there are, but those are the ones that I'm aware of, and I'm pretty sure that I'm unknowingly exhibiting some of those, as well as others. *sigh* Part of me wants attention, but the larger part of me just wants to hide in the shadows, vanish into them, and slip away unnoticed. The ones that truly want attention are the ones that really want to live. I think that my dreams of a vanishing act are about more than just disappearing from view... I think I might just go to sleep after going to the psychologist tonight... I could really use some sleep, I'm pretty sure.

I wonder which is worse overall... Actively killing yourself, or going and finding a way to die without having done it yourself. My current plan is to wait until I'm back at school, give it a week or so, and then go for a nice, late-night walk. I'll make sure I'm armed so that I can decide that hey, I do want to live, and fight back if I need to. But I don't really care right now... I think I'd still owe Jessie a hug, and Matt a goodbye... Though I'm not really sure. It's kind of a gray area, since I promised those to them if I were going to kill myself, not if I was planning on getting myself killed... I think I'll have to set up something with them, just in case. I'd feel bad if I just up and disappeared on them, and was later found dead in the middle of Flint. Plus, I don't think that would go over too well... Of course, getting away from John could be tricky... Especially if he suspects what I would be up to after he left. :/ This is the main drawback of having an overly protective boyfriend, I'm tellin' ya. I still don't think that Jessie or Matt would let me go without first doing their damndest to convince me to live first. At least John's honest with me that he won't just let me die. I appreciate the honesty, if not the sentiment. Maybe he has a point about other things though... Like eating... I know that I SHOULD eat, but I still don't want to. Nothing sounds appetizing to me anymore, so I'm pretty sure that this is a mental thing. And I don't really want to talk to a shrink about that, too, because they'd likely just write it off as a regular eating disorder. I know that's what it is, but it's not for the normal reasons. I don't give a shit about the normal reasons.

I wonder if, when I'd gone off to college, how it would be different if I hadn't made a bunch of friends really quickly. Would I be more depressed, less depressed, the same amount depressed, or dead? My friends help, yes, but I feel that I was pushed further into this darkness by their constant presence. Never getting any alone time just does not work for me. So as much as I'm looking forward to going back to school, at the same time, I'm dreading it. I need to find that happy medium of alone time to make me happy, and friend time to make my friends happy. I have a feeling I'm going to lose on this one, just like I did last term. The happy medium for me, between too many people and not enough people, is so unlikely to conincide with the happy meadiums of everyone else for not enough heather and too much heather. I just want to be left alone once in a while. If that means dropping off the face of the planet, then so be it. I know a lovely park I can hide in, as well as a few places around campus. And I still need to get directions so I can walk to that damned cemetary. And... eTwenty minutes later, I have directions to two cemeteries up at school, and I am pleased as pie. I have four hiding places, and three of them aren't even on campus. If I don't want to be found, I won't be. Of course, I might get shot on my way to the cemeteries, but... No biggie, dead is dead and that's the way I want to be. The fact that I want to hang out in cemeteries should probably bother me... :/ But it doesn't. If I'm going to be spending the rest of eternity in one, I might as well get used to them now, right? And ones that don't have people I know are better, because I can just enjoy the tranquility. I like not having people around... I would think about taking my computer to the cemeteries, but something tells me that would be a bad idea, and an even worse one if I got mugged. So maybe just a book and a flashlight. Something to carry the book in so that it doesn't get in my way during a fight would be nice, too. I'll have to come up with something.

It's funny, the emotions that occur when you're contemplating suicide and what's keeping you from it. So far, I've encountered resentment towards the people that I'm living for. That one's not all that fun to deal with, because you care about the people, and yet... They are the ONLY reason you continue to function on a day-to-day basis, or however it is you measure time. I've also found a heaping mound of anger toward myself. People expect me to be angry with them, but they're either not worth being mad at, or I'm not worthy of being mad at them. Most of the time it's the latter, which doesn't help my anger issues towards myself. I'm not good enough or strong enough for anything, and that makes me angry. Other than those two, I've also found disgust, as well as disappointment mixed in. They have both been rather prominent, really. Disgust and disappointment with society and people in general. Disgust and disappointment with myself. Disappointment in my friends, for not seeing how close I am to the edge, or worse, seeing and not doing anything about it. I've also had an air of futility, hopelessness, and general misery hanging over me. I don't see the point of anything, least of all getting up and going through the motions every day. I'm going to die anyway, so why not hurry the process along a little?

One of my friends, who is currently a few states away, has told me more than once that she'll be able to live with my suicide, so long as I give her a hug and say goodbye in person. The "in person" part is what's kept me going a couple of times. There are, in my mind, two levels of desperation, misery, whatever, at which I will decide to kill myself. The first level will be where I decide I can wait until this friend has gotten a hug to kill myself. This point is not as worrisome as the second, because there will be time for me to change my mind, or for friends to finally notice and pull me back. The second level, however, will make it so that I cannot wait to die, and must instead drive to my friend and hug her, say goodbye, and everything else. There will be no time to make me change my mind, and I'm pretty sure that this point will only occur after I've been at the first level for a while. In all honesty, I'm a little frightened when I think that I might actually hit that point. I'm already at the first point, in reality. I wasnt't jerked back from it as hard as everyone thinks. Well okay, one person knows where I'm at, but he's sworn not to tell a soul. I don't know exactly how long he'll keep that promise, but... I'm trusting him to keep it long enough. I'm getting far too good at keeping secrets, and people are going to seriously start worrying about me pretty soon. Or they would, if they knew what kinds of secrets I was keeping. I'm just hoping that I can keep my secrets for a week in which I am given absolutely no privacy other than in the bathroom. If I can't keep them, I won't be going back to school, I'll be going to a mental hospital or something, and be stuck there for however long it takes. I really don't think that would be very good for me, either. I mean come on, I doubt you get much privacy if you're on a suicide watch.

February 5th, 2011

I'm sick of living like this. If someone can help, then I welcome it. But so far, none have been able to help, and it's not for lack of trying on any of their parts, nor mine, in reality... I just want to go home, at this point... And Matt's idea of getting me a job out in NH is great, except that I don't have a car to get myself to and from work. :/ I really need to keep this idea to myself, and not get John's hopes up over it. That would not be a good thing to do, as I really don't want to hurt him. Ugh, I'm getting so tired of listening to everyone's troubles, and providing support to everyone. I just want to break down crying half the time now, and nobody notices. Or if they do notice, they don't say anything about it. If someone would just care enough to talk to me about what's going on, then I might be a little better off. I'm tired of being nice, and yet it's completely against my nature to be anything but. The minute I'm not nice to someone, I feel guilty and try to make things right. It's so hard to be a bitch and not feel bad about it later... I need to hold it together for another four hours... I can do that. Four hours is nothing. ... And yet I want to break down right now, to hell with what everyone thinks about it. I just hope that I can make it home... It gets harder every day, it truly does. Having John for the weekend was bittersweet... Like giving a starving person a sandwich, then watching as the person finishes starving. But I won't make that comparison to Jessie or John, or even Matt. There's only so much that I can reasonably ask him to keep secret for me, and I'm pretty sure that I've already passed that particular threshold. :/

From Feb. 4th, 2011

Music makes me bipolar, I swear. I get some rather interesting effects out of it when I listen to different kinds of music, and I'm not sure that they're all good. Actually, I'm pretty sure that most of the effects aren't. At least I sorted my music between what sorts of things it does to me. Crying at work is absolutely not acceptable, and music can bring that out of me, as much as I hate it. Which, really, just means that I need to be careful what music I'm listening to at work, which was the purpose of sorting all the damn songs in the first place.

From Feb. 3rd, 2011

Even with everything that everyone is doing for me, I'm still depressed and wanting to die. I'm REALLY hoping that whatever medications Kumar puts me on help, otherwise... Those dark dead-end alleys up in Flint are going to become one of my new favorite haunts. Which will not please any of my Kettering friends one bit. :/ But I'm not making any promises to anyone about after term starts. I'll have to be really careful about how I word those ones... I don't want to be deceptive, but none of them want to deal with that possibility, which has started to become my reality. I don't like it, but I can't help it. Whenever I get time to think, my thoughts swirl quickly into the darkest whirlwind I've had to deal with, and I'm tired of the darkness. If the easiest way to get rid of it is to embrace it, then fine. My arms are open wide and getting wider every day. I'll give my friends a week or two to try and bring me back from the edge of the precipice I've been teetering on, but I'm going to end up losing my balance and falling if they don't pull me back fast enough. There's only so much shit a girl can take, and I've about hit my threshold. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not strong enough to keep going like this for very much longer. Caring about people is only going to get me so far, and that one's running out of gas. I desperately need to find myself another reason to live, because living for other people isn't effective anymore. And I haven't cared about living for myself in at least a year... If I can just get a book published, I'll be perfectly at peace with death. Until that, though, I won't be completely good with dying. Damn it, this sucks... Nobody actually responds to Katherine's posts, other than Jessie... Is she the only one that I really matter to? Because if that's the case, then great. I mean, it sucks that nobody else cares, but if only one person cares then I'm all set. They're only proving my thoughts of worthlessness to be true. And while that's not a very happy thought, I've given up on happy thoughts anyway, so it's not that big a deal. I still can't believe how calm I am about this whole idea of being dead... I guess I've just had too much time to think about it, and I've realized that it's going to happen, and that the when doesn't really matter to me. When I die, I'll be gone forever. The only way I might live on is through my writing. So I need to get that done and published, and I'll be good. :) But I can't get a book published before I go back to school... None of them are anywhere close to being ready for that yet. :( I'm ready to go home now... Am I allowed to leave, pretty pretty please? *sigh* I want someone to realize that I'm still falling, and then to go to the effort to reach out and catch me, pull me back. Matt told me that I needed to uncurl from my little ball, and he doesn't realize that this is me reaching out for help. I don't do it often, and it's hard. I just want to curl back up and keep falling, but... Everyone would be mad at me.

Ugh

Life is grand, and yet... I feel like crying, and have resumed contemplating various ways in which one can kill oneself. Not a pleasant thing to contemplate, I understand, but I've been doing so all the same. To avoid thinking about such things, I've been resorting to getting lost in the world of fiction, but it's beginning to cease to help. I think I'm simply getting bored with life, at the age of 18. I keep having urges to go for walks, on my own, in the middle of the night. And not just around the house, but a good couple of miles. Walks that could easily get me killed. And the only thing stopping me from going on these walks is simple exhaustion, and not wanting to put forth the effort.

Job Issues

Okay, so I recently got a job working at a local camp, in the kitchen. The first week or so was really fun, but now I'm back to hating my life and wanting to die. My boss and her daughter, both of whom work in the kitchen as well, are hypocrites. The one thing I seriously can't stand in life is a hypocrite, and so the fact that I'm working for one is rubbing me the wrong way. If my boss's daughter does something, and I were to do the EXACT SAME THING, guess who would get in trouble? Not her. And then she gets bitchy, too. I was trying to help her today, and she looked at me and told me, rather snottily, to stop. She just pisses me off, because she'll point out something I forgot to do that she just doesn't do, like clean out the screens after her shift. I forgot ONCE and was reminded to make sure that I do it. I've found crap in the screens TONS of times when I start my shift! It's just seriously getting on my nerves! And I like the job just enough that I don't want to say anything about it, since it's the boss's daughter and I'd probably get myself fired or something like that... I think I just need to scream, or cry, or something... But I don't really know...

Torn Apart

I want to scream. Like nothing else, I just want to lose control of myself and scream, cry, kick, bite, swear, WHATEVER. But, NO. I can't. Why? Because everyone would be disappointed in me, and heaven forbid that I let someone down. I do what's expected of me, and I feel a little piece of me die inside, almost every time. I know, I shouldn't be trying to make everyone happy all the time, but I fell bad if I don't at least try. The disappointment of the others is awful when I don't do what they want me to. And now I'm stuck feeling shattered on the inside, because I'm doing so many things I'd really rather not do. None of it's bad for me, unless it's been proven that hairspray causes some sort of disease, but I still don't want to do it. And I'm sick of doing what everyone wants, just because I don't like their disappointment. It's tearing me apart from the inside, and I'm afraid that it won't stay inside for much longer...

Honestly

One of my friends thinks that I might be so depressed and sad because of how little I sleep. Honestly, I'm getting tired of everyone who knows about my false mood worrying about me. Wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things. I'm willing to bet that most people don't get to do a lot of things that they want to. Honestly, why can't they just believe me about what I say? If I make a promise, I'm going to stick to it. Or at least let someone know when I change my mind. Why doesn't anyone trust me? Is my word really that unreliable? If I can't be trusted, maybe I should just end it all. Because without my word and honor, there really isn't much reason to live. Okay, I'm beginning to sound like a Samurai or something, not being able to live once my honor has been questioned. I just want people to trust me. I'm generally a pretty honest person, unless I know I'm going to get into deep shit for telling the truth. But that's never anything much bigger than what time I actually went to bed. Nothing major. *sigh* I guess I deserve people worrying about me though, don't I? Sure, it shows they care and all, but... Do suicidal people lie? About killing themselves, I mean. Either way, I won't lie (at least, not here): I've thought about it, many times. Ways to do it, when to do it, who it'd be hurting... And that's generally where my thoughts end, since I really don't like hurting people. I figure, if you know you know and I might as well be honest with you, since my honesty won't hurt anyone except me. And if you don't know, then I'm not going to shatter your wonderful little perception of me. There's no point in telling you, too, because then you'd be hurt, or wouldn't trust me, and I'm sick of not being trusted. It hurts, not being trusted when I've done nothing to earn it, pretty much. If I'm not going to be trusted, I've got no reason to be honest.

Drama

So, I'm in this play. It's my first time acting, and I'm pretty sure I'd be having a blast, if it weren't for the director. She's pretty much either watching us silently, or telling us, in a not so encouraging way, that we suck and need to seriously get it together. I know she's telling us the truth, but couldn;t she at least be a little nicer about it? She never tells us that we're doing a good job. Period. It kind of wears on the self confidence after a while, and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I should have told the teacher that sure, I'd be director. I can at least compliment people once in a while. I don't think any of us really LIKE the director, but at least all of us actors get along with each other. Our play would REALLY suck if we didn't. Though there's this one guy that I can't stand, since he's a bit self-centered and doesn't really do what he's supposed to half of the time. He's my partner for being the historian, and the past few days I've asked him to take some pictures, for the scrapbook at the end. Guess what he's been doing. Hanging back stage, not taking pictures like I asked. And I have to be backstage, since I can't really slip out into the theater, take pictures, and then get back backstage in time to go back on. I think tomorrow I'll take some pictures of us backstage. That could be fun to put in the scrapbook. So... Yeah.

I ended up laying in my bed feeling miserable this afternoon. Eventually fell asleep to escape it, which I guess helped a little, but not tons like I'd hoped it would. I was crying at one point, for no other reason than that I needed to release some emotion, and crying was a good way to do so without drawing the attention of the others in the house. So... Yeah.

Thinking

I've been doing some thinking, which is pretty much never overly good for my mental well-being. For once though, I don't think it's been too detrimental. Actually, it's not so much that I've been thinking, it's that I've been getting lost in my thoughts. I think that writing, not like this but actual fiction-writing, might be helping me to not get so depressed. It's not really IMPROVING my mood, but it's keeping me out of the dumps. Probably because it's keeping me from serious hard-core thinking, actually... Oh well, whatever works. I really don't like feeling like shit half the time, and then the other half the time feeling like there's just this empty void inside of me.

Last Day

Not as bad as the title makes it sound. *sigh* One more day to go before Spring Break is over, and I am definitely ready to go back to school. I don't know if I could take another day without seeing people. I think that's part of why I always start feeling so sad and miserable. I spend a lot of time alone, and then I get to thinking, and my mind always ends up contemplating death. Is there maybe some medical reason for why my thoughts always wander back to death and dying? Besides depression, I mean. I already know about that one. I read someplace that getting enough sleep makes you happier, and that sleep-deprived people are more likely to be unhappy. That bit made me go "Oh... Maybe that's why I'm not very happy half the time. I'm a definite Night Owl, and school is during the day. That leaves me a few hours before school starts, and the few hours after school as the times that I prefer to sleep. I mean, today I went to sleep at 9 am and woke up around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. That's my ideal sleep schedule, though I wouldn't mind getting another hour of sleep at the end. I don't mind being nocturnal. Heck, I'm not tired right now and it's 3:30 in the morning! I think I might be part bat or part owl or something, with the hours that I like to keep. I wonder if there's some sort of gene or chemical in the brain that make you more or less likely to want to be awake at night and asleep during the day. My only problem with the night is the silence. It's maddening in my house, since I can literally hear the silence pressing in on my eardrums, when I don't have the ringing in my ears. The ringing is most likely related to Minieres Disease, which my dad has and my mom might have. It affects your balance and stuff, and one of the possible symptoms is ringing in your ears. But back to the silence pressing against my ears. I can have music playing in the background, and it still feels like the silence of the house is crushing my hearing. That is my one complaint against the night. I love the silence and basically everything else about nighttime. The darkness, the solitude, the peace and quiet... It's just the crushing silence against my eardrums. Well, I think I'm going to sign off and go to sleep now, since I need to start getting back to sleeping for school hours. Last day of break and all, you know. Ta for now!

Good to Bad

Even though I probably had the nest day I'm going to have all of spring break, my mood is back in the toilet. I got together with some classmates today to work on homework (it's a theatre class and we need to get memorized ASAP), and we really didn't get much done in the way of memorizing, but we had a lot of fun. I got home and slept 'cause I was tired, and never actually got around to eating dinner, but whatever. Still not hungry. And now that I'm alone again, with time to think about life and stuff in general, I'm not in a happy mood again. I don't even care if I get in trouble for not being in bed. This whole not-caring thing is starting to... not scare me, per se, but make me stop and think for a moment. I'm trying to look at my feelings and stuff from a detached perspective, see if maybe I am depressed, but it's not working. I don't exactly care. *sigh* And again I'm filled with this overwhelming urge to talk, hence I'm posting about basically nothing. That's my life: basically nothing. *sigh*

Alone But Not

I had to go to the dentist today, and I really hate it. I still feel lonely, even though I know I'm not alone. It's only Monday and already I want the week to be over. AND it's Spring Break. So, I'm going to try and put how I feel into words, so bear with me. Or not, whatever. It's like... All the time, I feel alone. Or that people don't really know me. Sometimes it feels like my heart physically aches. It's like it twinges with sadness or something, and it can get kind of painful. Other days I just feel this overwhelming sense of futility and uselessness. That one generally happens after I've been sitting thinking for a while. I also realized, while thinking about death and suicide a month or two ago, that I could die anytime after 11 or so at night, and my family wouldn't find me until 10 am at the earliest, though it might take them till one. I really don't know why I feel comfortable opening up like this over the internet... Though I guess it's probably the anonymity. I'm not usually comfortable just talking like this to people. And there's not even a guarantee that people are going to read this, though I suppose that I should write this assuming people will read it, since it is a blog, and it is posted on the net. Hey, I have a question for anyone that is still reading this thing at this point. If you ever start feeling down, what do you do get your mood back up? And please, don't tell me drugs. I'm staunchly against doing them myself, though I really don't give a shit about what you do on your free time, if it makes you happy. So long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.

Ugh, I don't really get why I feel like this all the time. Honestly, my life is pretty good. I don't think it's flat out depression, but I'm not really into trying to self-diagnose and all that. If I was, I could probably come up with a billion things that are wrong with me. Everyone's like that, right? About coming up with things that are wrong with you. A person is never good enough to please themself. That's why plastic surgeons have jobs. So if I can't try self-diagnosis, what can I do? My family sees a psychiatrist, due to my sister being in special ed and sometimes we just need counseling. Whenever I go and chat with her, she doesn't see anything wrong other than normal teenage mood swings. If my emotional turmoil is normal, can someone clue me in? If it is normal, then man I can NOT wait until I stop being a teen and this crap is over. Does it really get better once you're older? Because so far, getting older has just made life progressively worse. I wish I could just go back to the days of Kindergarten, when all we had to worry about in school was which color block we wanted to use next, and when naptime was. Because that's all I remember from back then. There wasn't any gossip, since 5 and 6 year olds don't understand the art of spreading rumors yet. You didn't have drama in Kindergarten, or major fights, and you didn't have to worry about who was dating who and what was proper behavior for you. People would just look at you and go "Oh, he/she is five, they don't know better yet" and move on with their lives. And once we get out of high school, we go into college and party and learn, and then it's off to the real world, where we waste away the rest of our lives until it's time for us to retire. Sure, you can improve that middle section of life by doing something that you enjoy, but it's really all the same in the end. We're born, we live a while, and we die, to be buried in the ground and left to rot, or burned to dust and put wherever. Either way, what we've done with our lives doesn't really matter beyond that. Most people's lives are forgotten within a few decades, unless they're someone big, like Hitler or Einstein or some famous writer that kids will be stuck reading in school for the next few eons. Once you stop to think about it, you're nothing more than a little annoying blip on the overall scheme of things, and that's if you're lucky. So yeah. If you could answer my earlier question, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

Finally

Finally, I have a way to just talk, anonymously. That's really all I need, currently. My big problem is that I feel alone, all the time, even when I'm with my friends. At school, I'm someone else. I'm happy at school. And then I get by myself and I start feeling miserable. My life's really not that bad, but I don't see the point in it anymore. I don't see the point in anything. I mean, we're all going to die. What does it matter if it's now, or fifty years from now? *sigh* I've thought about killing myself, but I couldn't find a way that I liked, though climbing out my window and freezing overnight sounded good. Or just stabbing myself. Half the time I just want to go away, disappear forever. I go through bouts of not eating in an effort to disappear, but it always takes too long and I change my mind. Message me at free2beme4evr@gmail.com if you want. All I want is someone to talk to.