February 5th, 2011

I'm sick of living like this. If someone can help, then I welcome it. But so far, none have been able to help, and it's not for lack of trying on any of their parts, nor mine, in reality... I just want to go home, at this point... And Matt's idea of getting me a job out in NH is great, except that I don't have a car to get myself to and from work. :/ I really need to keep this idea to myself, and not get John's hopes up over it. That would not be a good thing to do, as I really don't want to hurt him. Ugh, I'm getting so tired of listening to everyone's troubles, and providing support to everyone. I just want to break down crying half the time now, and nobody notices. Or if they do notice, they don't say anything about it. If someone would just care enough to talk to me about what's going on, then I might be a little better off. I'm tired of being nice, and yet it's completely against my nature to be anything but. The minute I'm not nice to someone, I feel guilty and try to make things right. It's so hard to be a bitch and not feel bad about it later... I need to hold it together for another four hours... I can do that. Four hours is nothing. ... And yet I want to break down right now, to hell with what everyone thinks about it. I just hope that I can make it home... It gets harder every day, it truly does. Having John for the weekend was bittersweet... Like giving a starving person a sandwich, then watching as the person finishes starving. But I won't make that comparison to Jessie or John, or even Matt. There's only so much that I can reasonably ask him to keep secret for me, and I'm pretty sure that I've already passed that particular threshold. :/